Moths
by SioLian
Summary: From Saix point of view, the 358 days to Kingdom Hearts complete. His one-sided love for Axel, and Axel's love for Roxas. complexion romance Saix/Axel/Roxas


_Lea. Lea._

_Whispering your name makes me feel as if I can do anything._

* * *

We're moths chasing and searching for the light.

* * *

I hear your laugher; I turn away.

Perhaps it's far, far too simple to think of the source of your enlightened sound. His little curve of lips would make your happiness.

And brings my dismay.

I lied. We don't feel. Thus I should correct that as "fake happiness". I should also correct my "fake dismay".

* * *

We don't feel. We're Nobodies with capital N. You're Axel Flurry Of Dancing Flames. I am Saix the Luna Diviner. He is Roxas the Keyblade Wielder.

Seems like fate always have the character cast set for the play.

* * *

It's never a secret that you and him are what calls best friends. Or more. You come late from missions to spend time with him. At the clock tower under the sunset's blazing red light, seems like fitting description for you, too. Sea salt ice cream is your favorite, salty mixture with the sweetened. You did introduce it to him; I know you will. It will become you two's favorite. Yet it seems to be forgotten it used to be ours, that piece of fact in this world.

Pathetically that would be the source of my anger. No, fake anger.

I take it out on him, and soon the puppet.

Everyone needs something to throw his or her wrath to freedom, even a Nobody with wrath that has no real emotion behind it.

* * *

Emerald green.

It probably would never occur to anyone, even to you that, this particular color is perhaps my favorite shade of all, if there were any other color I did like.

It's what soothes me down. When I was a somebody, it's what made everything okay. Just stare in to it, the mass of the color, make it a whole.

Not a coincidence that is the color of your eyes.

* * *

He wasn't the only one worried when you were gone. The Castle Of Oblivion. Sending you there was what I could do, perhaps not should do. Yet I wanted you away from him, for just perhaps a little while more. You're the only one I can entrust these things with, what you call "dirty jobs".

His worried blue eyes, those eye you so loved and cared for. Pardon me, fake love, fake care. The urge to gauge them out and crush it runs in me. It's the eyes you looked in, not mine.

I would use every chance to grasp the emerald green again.

Everyone eliminated. Everyone eliminated at the Castle Of Oblivion.

He seems to be ruined, lost and wondrous face. I did not dare to look in my own reflection. I did dare to see liquid streaming from my eyes. That image is what of should be long forgotten.

Just like those forbidden feelings so long back.

* * *

I refuse to answer his questions. If I speak it, the water would drown me out.

I am silent as I am resentful. Everything is in pain. There is no more shock of scarlet in the castle, nor your laugher.

There is no other purpose for me. Perhaps other then to have a heart, to thrill with real pain in my heart for you.

* * *

I no longer know anything.

* * *

Everything is dull. Black and white. There is no more emerald green or even the sea blue I despise as so.

The only thing that mattered.

* * *

And then,

And then,

I see a glimpse of burning red.

You.

* * *

"Why have you not report to the castle earlier?"

You're alive.

"Hey, I'm here now, aren't I?"

You're smiling.

"So be it."

Emerald green.

* * *

Too joyous as to speak. What could be better then your return, as I had believed your trace is gone forever?

I see it as the same for him. His sea blue eyes are back with the most of a smile can have. You're now back to the normal schedule to eat ice cream with them. Yet those days I have forgiven him. You're back. That is all the comfort I needed.

* * *

You said you don't mind doing the dirty jobs for me. I shut my eyes. It was sweet and bitterness of a sentence to me. Sweet as you might have cared, bitter as, not what I wanted.

Perhaps I am asking for too much. But I did wish you would laugh with me as you do with him. Joke with me as you do with him. Eat sea-salt ice cream. Watch the sunset. To even have fake care, to even have, fake love. To be, together.

It's never the same way you look at him as you look at me.

It seemed that even Nobodies couldn't throw away greed.

Yet to have the emerald green to look to should be the sweetest of dine.

Sweet bitterness.

* * *

"Shut your mouth."

Xion meant nothing to you, but if he cared, you would too. For that you would say this to me, for that the malice in the green would be urged. You carried her as he followed.

You changed. You changed for him.

Clearly shows what was more important, much?

I don't know what ached inside me that day, for I don't have a heart. But it ached, toured pieces apart. Ached so much the water came into my eyes.

I convince myself. I have the memories. I use to have feelings, real, immutable feelings. For you. I know your true name, I whisper it.

I can do anything,

* * *

I had desires to kill him. Keep him away from you, and come back to me. To see him lifeless and never again.

What stopped the desire was perhaps I could not stand your sorrow, for it will pour to me the same. And the greater good of this all, Kingdom Hearts.

I will have a heart, you will too. Then I will throw away this emptiness and nothingness, I will embrace you and love you, and whisper your name into your ear.

By then we will have real happiness.

* * *

"_-----!"_

_Your called out my name._

* * *

It's I that loved you, not him.

He has no heart.

* * *

I was supposedly to speak to you about the puppet, how you're getting too close to it. You do it for the sake of Roxas, but either way, it matters not.

Your door is cracked open, just a little. I am quiet as I intended to be, to not disturb you for I know so well for your habits of slumber. You did sleep all day if you could.

And there was your presence. Lay in bed, eyes shut, with curve of lips on your face. There is no light here other then the Kingdom Heart's faint glitters, but it shined upon you.

I stepped in the room without making an audible sound even to the sleeping ones, and slowly moved forward, towards you.

Your features was something not to forgotten with ease. It is striking, as it is beautiful, beyond words of my knowledge. Pale skin to match the moonlight, with the contrast of the shocking blaze red. Thin lips in the color of pale pink, soft, I know this particular information with the sense of sneak yet happiness. Your eyes now closed, the eyelashes fluttering lightly, and I would always remember the color, emerald green. The tear marks beneath it, as if your sorrow reaches out.

I breathe as you do.

My knees bending to the floor, my eyes lingered.

Never so close, never so that I can almost feel your skin, almost taste on my lips.

No more distance between. I reach for it.

"Lea…"

I whisper your name right about your lips. My eyes are bewildered with dreams of sweetened visions and memories.

I shut my eyes. Emerald green. Axel. Lea. I---

I.

I let go.

...

...

"Roxas…."

The name escaped your lips, so lightly and gentle, still with the smile.

My eyes enlarged.

His name.

In your sleep.

Your smile.

Is it again my dismay.

This glass dream is suddenly broken with the loud scream. Everything shattered. The broken pieces cuts through my skin bleeding, bleeding.

The dream was over. That name bought reality and my senses. I back away fast, stumbled against the door, something is rushing out me. The tears, the water, the liquid, the sorrow.

I breathe. In and out. As if I don't try there will be never more. More of me in this agonizing pain, or these pathetic lies and illusions.

It was his name you spoke of.

I can only imagine your smile was from the dreamlands of his presence.

Everything broke.

It seem as if all the memories faded away like this land's emptiness. Yet my stupidity wanted it back. I wanted it as it was you and I. You call out my name and as I always would reply ever so light yet wholeheartedly, with my heart, Lea.

Lea.

What was I doing?

How could my common sense and pride let such imprudent action be allowed?

When can I control my desires for you?

Why is everything in pain though I do not have a heart to feel with?

Why is the liquid streaming down?

Why is it the emerald green and your name I still recall?

Why?

Why?

Why is it his name your spoke?

* * *

"What would you rather lose,

a make believe friendship,

or,

a real one?"

I confront you. I question you.

I held in all my memories, waiting for your reply if not in eager but also fear. Face to face, you and I. I grasp every features and your expressions.

You look away. Your emerald green eyes with guilt and remembrance.

I then too, look away.

"There is too much on the line to lose,

Lea."

I closed door. I shutter. I breakdown.

It is all for the greater good.

Kingdom hearts.

It is your name I whisper.

* * *

The puppet runs away. You brought her back. Xemanas carried her away in an awfully rude manner yet very fitting approach to a puppet, when they're out of the picture, I step out quietly.

Your face is filled exhaust. Your eyes shut, eyebrows still raised. I knew you put up quite a fight, and you would win, not for the organization, but for your own gain, and him.

I lift you up gently as I could, wishing none other members to see this.

To your room I lay you down. I set by your bed.

Kingdom Hearts is in view in every bedroom in this castle. As it shines upon you, too.

I bent down.

This time I know full too well it is still him on your mind. But what is it for me to care no more? As long as I have these memories, I will behold them dearly.

Lea.

I bend down. My lips meet your cold skin. And that is when I felt the tear's saltiness on my tongue. Right at your tear mark.

It is not only I with sorrow.

Such irony.

I kiss your lips once more.

* * *

We may not have hearts but we do have memories.

And these precious if not rare ones with you are what I will hold on to forever.

A heart. Our unite desire.

He is your desire. You're my desire.

Is it not so pathetic?

* * *

He's gone. To Sora. With Sora.

You're restless. You protest you argue you try to bring him back. But all is futile. He does not remember you, no matter what you try.

Your angry face, pathetic as it seems to the others, and as I feel a cringe inside. Your pain burns to me. But no real feelings.

Perhaps joys dewelled inside me as well as the sorrow afar.

They often say out of sight, of of mind. Even without hearts, I knew, he will never fade away within you, never.

But did I also knew he is not coming back.

He returned to him, and thus he truly, fully no longer exists.

Ah, I can only imagine how you bleed inside when this thought goes across.

I look to the pale light of Kingdom Hearts. Soon, it will be soon.

* * *

The keyblade wielder starts to move forward. The hearts bring a whole once again.

Your laugher is now completely gone. Your eyebrows tied in knot in such distress, even paler then you already are. Your skin, without me touching it, I could tell is cold as ice. Your thought is focused on him, even though he is Roxas no more.

I have seen not once but many times of you on your bed, staring at the ice cream stick marked with "WINNER". It is perhaps the only piece of him you can hold on to other then his memories.

You kept it close to your chest, where your heart is supposed to be if you had one.

Always at the moment you looked as if the water could break down and out. But you don't, you stay strong like you always do.

I simply shut my eyes.

* * *

You captured that girl in order to see him.

She resembles much of Namine, I take that her name is Kairi.

It suddenly occur to me that Roxas must have taken the features of Sora. It gives me the odd sour sensation, as it would say called as jealousy if I had a heart.

As I have felt many times else when you and him were together.

I took her to the prison room, lock her away.

He will not appear again.

If she means so very much to the keyblade wielder, then as he will take many hearts and grant them to Kingdom Hearts.

Soon. It will be soon.

Soon we should throw over this seem forever emptiness, with heart to complete whole.

I will embrace you then.

* * *

You're now an official traitor.

It matters to me not. Yet the biting words from the others annoys so very much.

Our plan from the beginning was to take control of this organization and leave after we gain our hearts. As long as this is complete, nothing else mattered.

Xemnas known none of this. For he has not ever experienced once before the strongest emotion a heart can have.

Love.

* * *

Oh Lea.

Once this is over.

* * *

You side by side to the keyblade wielder, while I watch from the castle.

Almost remind me that time, when you did stand by him and protect him from all the harm he will ever have.

I watch your dancing flames carried by the wind of grace and wrath. I have always adored your away of fighting, free and swift moments with powerful strike and flashing beauty.

The dusk continue to be appearing. I had no control over them, as I watch you fight in your way even if enjoying, my throat was dry.

There was too many, too much to be defeat.

My hands tightens. I should leave for you right now--

"Nah, I can handle these punks. Watch this."

Then.

The most dazzling flashing red burned the nothingness away to dust of oblivion.

I held in a breath.

An attack like that. Too powerful. Too much will. Too much for your body to handle.

You lay on the floor. That tire and exhaust on your face.

Fading away.

"No..."

No.

"Not that Nobodies actually have beings."

"My heart just won't be in it, you know. Haven't got one."

No.

No.

We will have hearts. You and I.

No.

"Axel, what were you trying to do?"

"I wanted to see Roxas."

No.

"He... Was the one I liked."

"He made me.... feel like I had a heart."

No.

NO.

NO.

NO.

YOU WILL HAVE A HEART.

YOU AND I WILL.

DON'T LEAVE ME.

PLEASE.

NO.

NO.

NOOO.

* * *

I scream till my voice cracked, and finally, I can no longer make a sound.

* * *

Your flame faded away. The emerald green now forever gone to nothing. I watched. I stunned. I cannot move an inch. I watch you fade away in his arm.

Even in death you were his.

* * *

I cried.

I use this word for you.

I cried till there are no more of this in me, yet the sorrow never seemed to end.

These sceneries flashes over me. All of it.

* * *

_"Lea!"_

* * *

I have stopped into your room many, many times.

I try to find your presence. Yet the bed was cold and unwelcoming, as its owner have not returned for so long.

I beg for one more sight of you. The emerald green and the flashing red.

I wish it to be a lie. I wish everything to be a lie.

You never met him. Me and you. Hearts together. I am in your arms.

Yet those things that once were true is what seemed as a lie.

* * *

It could have been a nightmare.

You could have came back like you did last time.

Lea.

Lea.

Your name will make me strong.

* * *

"Axel's eliminated."

Till he spoke these words.

I break down.

* * *

Fading in to nothing.

* * *

To be or not to be, that is not a question for us.

* * *

There is no more meaning for my existence.

I hold the the ice cream stick with WINNER on it.

You held it dearly, wrapped in strings of your hair. I sewed the hair to my cloth, so it will also hold dear to the place where my heart would have been, and if I had one I would have love you with it then.

But is there anything more for me.

Anything.

The stick is still in my hand.

Him.

He ruined it all.

Everything.

My hand shook.

The stick broke to pieces of crumbs.

If he was not there, you would be here.

If he did not have any existence, no mean to even a nobody, you would be here.

If he did not live.

If only.

You would be the one here with me.

Then it became clear.

* * *

"It doesn't matter.

All he got was nothingness.

Axel couldn't stand living without a heart.

And was destroyed by getting close to one.

He was weak."

I spoke lies that even disgust myself.

But I must hold it till the end to defeat the key blade master, and kill him with my own hands.

I will have heart, for your sake, to love you for eternal. And fill with the greatest wrath and revenge, I shall destroy all those that has put you down.

"But somethings awakens...... through the weakness

You can see,

Axel touched Sora's heart

When he was with Sora..

Perhaps he awakened too."

It no longer mattered.

I shut my eyes.

* * *

If you were here, you would tell me to stop, tell me it's not worth it, tell me to have a heart and live on.

You would, like you always will when I'm down, like you always would call out my name with the most brightest voice ever be in my paradise.

Emerald green, blazing red, Lea.

I loved you.

* * *

I attacked the keyblade master, in the rage of my own will.

His face resembled so much of Roxas. It was not hard to feel the thrill of fake hate, the wrath eating myself apart.

If only he never existed.

If only you're still alive.

Every slash and torn on him, the sea blue eyes, how I detest it!

It's his eyes you look in to.

* * *

_"The luna diviner, huh? You're finally sounding cooler now, aren't ya. It's about time, really!"_

_"I'm the flurry dancing flames now? Hey hey, now that can sound even better then yours!"_

* * *

Lea.

I scream your name inside as I fight. This is for you, everything of mine is yours.

My eys would always follow you forever, my voice will always call out your name, my memories are filled with your laugher, and once I have heart again.

It will all be yours.

Lea.

Lea.

* * *

I am losing my strength.

Your name is the only thing that I can and the emerald green.

Make me strong.

Yet that sea blue, the earing to fight and protect.

Is it not the power of the heart once again?

* * *

He fights for who he loves.

Loves.

That cannot be for me, for I have no heart.

Is loved not a word enough?

* * *

I am fading.

I stumbled to reach the Kingdom Heart's light, the faint yet dazzling light.

"Why....."

"Kingdom Hearts..."

"Where is my heart?"

* * *

And then,

This memory, right before I truly become nothing.

* * *

_"This whole thing about Nobodies, hm...."_

_"What's on your mind, Axel?"_

_"Whoa, whoa, no more Lea?" Your laugher. "I see how it is now, Saix."_

_"I don't mean it that way--"_

_"Nah, I'm alright."_

_"So continue."_

_"Kingdom Hearts, huh." You smile in this bitter way. _

_"It is for us to gain a heart once more."_

_"Know what I think we're?"_

_"What?"_

_"Moths."_

_".....?"_

_"We're moths, blindingly chasing the and searching for the light of fire, though it is more likely we are fluttering our weak wings to our own end."_

_"When have become such poet?" _

_"It is my philosophy, is all."_

_I say no more._

* * *

Chasing the light of fire, fluttering to our own end.

I reach for it, seconds away from my own nothingness.

I can almost see you reach out your hand in this darkness, your lips curved, smiling, whispering my name.

Fire red, emerald green.

I fade away.

* * *

Lea.

I chase your blazing red light toward my end.


End file.
